It's not just for relationships.
How do you know if someone is deflecting?
Here are some signs your partner may be deflecting responsibility for what goes wrong in your relationship.
It's always your fault. ...
They blame their actions on… well, everything else. ...
They blame their reactions on everything else. ...
They don't communicate their feelings… and get defensive when you do. (joinonelove.org)
How do you talk to someone who deflects?
How do you deal with deflection? The best way to deal with deflection is to communicate how you feel by having a conversation. Point out that you feel the person is deflecting their fault onto you and that it is not appreciated. (betterhelp.com)
What is narcissistic deflection
Deflecting narcissists famously use the tactic of gaslighting, making comments or asking questions for the purpose of creating doubt about your truth. They hope to introduce enough confusion that you will drop the confrontation altogether. They may say things like: “You're misquoting me." It's a Trumpist thing. The people in Trumpworld do this all the time.
When the narcissist begins to think that someone will blame them for an action, they go into self-preservation mode and will deflect all blame from themselves and onto someone else. This is where the blame-shifting happens.(Minsettherapy.com)
Need some examples? Here's some classics from Mindsettherapy.
“If you wouldn’t have said that then I wouldn’t have called you names!”
“If you weren’t always nagging me then I wouldn’t have cheated on you!”
“You always do that!”
“You didn’t ask me if I was meeting up with my ex, you asked if I was talking to my ex”
“You never loved me.”
“It is all your fault.”
“You are always screwing things up.”
“If you didn’t always make me angry then I wouldn’t hit you.”
“If you weren’t always asking me questions then I wouldn’t have been distracted and gotten the speeding ticket.”
Trump is still deflecting. He's blaming the violence at the Capitol riot on Nancy Pelosi, saying it was her fault, and only she could stop riot. He ignores his calls to action. He ignores the sworn testimony of the Republican witnesses before the January 6th investigators. He ignores his advisors, including Bill Barr and his daughter, Ivanka, that the election wasn't stolen. And his supporters? They lap this stuff up.
Changing the Behavior
You and I cannot change the narcissist. It is way above our pay grade. There are reasons people might be attracted. The money, the power, the seeming command and control they have may be intoxicating. Other reasons may be low self-esteem, codependency, and naiveté. It almost always becomes an abusive relationship. What we have control over is ourselves. Recognizing the need for change requires a self realization based on the truth of the situation, and a willingness to change.
