Things That Work / Belonging

 

Jon Tyson

Belonging Is Important

Being a part of something was so important to my development. It's a natural desire. The people I identified with provided opportunities for growth, learning, societal skills, and reinforcement. And, this is coming from an introvert. I don't need a lot of external stimulus for motivation, but going it alone was never a healthy alternative. I still seek out social interaction as I did then. 

Remember "I Am Rock" by Simon and Garfunkel? The defiance of the loner? 

I have my books

And my poetry to protect me

I am shielded in my armor

Hiding in my room safe within my womb

I touch no one and no one touches me

I am a rock I am an island

And then, reflectively, as the song ends.

And a rock feels no pain

And an island never cries

The Mayo Clinic put it this way:

The social ties that accompany a sense of belonging are a protective factor helping manage stress and other behavioral issues. When we feel we have support and are not alone, we are more resilient, often coping more effectively with difficult times in our lives.Dec 8, 2021 mayoclinic

My Question Life came up with five reasons why belonging is important. 

 1. Improved Physical Health 

Countless studies have proven that belonging can decrease blood pressure, enhance bodily performance, and increase odds of recovery from surgery or disease.

2. Reduced Stress

Maintaining secure connections cues positive hormones in our bodies, helping us to feel better.

3. Increased Life Expectancy

A sense of belonging actually improves our physical health; it also reduces our stress – two important factors in living a long, healthy life. For all the ailments, sicknesses, and recoveries we’re going to face, the support and care for others will quite literally inspire us to get better faster.

4. Higher Self-Esteem

Having a strong sense of belonging allows us to feel like we matter to others.

5. Decreased Anxiety and Depression

It’s no surprise that, with all the physical benefits of relationships, there would be mental benefits, as well.

So I remember when we were driving

Driving in your car
Speed so fast, it felt like I was drunk
City lights lay out before us
And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder
And I-I had a feeling that I belonged
I-I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone -Tracy Chapman

It got me to thinking, what if management was required to encouraged belonging? It happens, I've felt it. Those jobs were the most rewarding. I felt valued. What I thought mattered. If more of this was done, there would be more value to all our lives, and we would value those around us...And less #quietquitting.

Importance of Self-Esteem

”Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” Unknown

Honest Admission

I grew up with a low opinion of my worth. I'm not sure why. My parents made a point of reinforcing and encouraging me to build on my accomplishments. So what was the deal?

Labels

Maybe it was because I was considered slow. The word slow is filled with all the aspects of ableism. That label was damaging.  I was slow to walk and talk. My reading and math skills were below the mean. My grades suffered. As a result, I aimed low. Maybe it was fear of failure or fear of disappointment. But disappointment from what? 

Maybe I was lazy, whatever that means. My parent sent me for extensive testing, including IQ tests to see if I was actually 'slow'. The results changed everything. I wasn't slow, I was an underachiever. Oh boy! In an instant, my easy life was over. It was filled with tutors and summer school. I was sent to a new school with much higher academic standards. At first I was stretched by the experience. I was so far behind my new classmates it seemed to reinforce my feelings of low self-esteem. 

My accomplishments at that school didn't dawn on me until much later. I was not at the bottom of my class, I was in the upper half. Creativity came forward in my writing and music. It turned out I was good at sports, but not at the traditional sports. I excelled at running the mile and playing soccer. In summer I became a competitive bike racer with a string of victories and strong showings.

A Slow Process

Even with these accomplishments, my self-esteem did not blossom until I matured, after age twenty-five. I went back to school at twenty-five and things began to fall into place. And the feelings of self-worth grew quietly, from with-in, as my confidence in my abilities grew. What I thought was a measurement of my worth was wrapped up in what I perceived others might think of me. I discovered It mattered more what I thought of myself. 

What are the signs of low self-esteem? 

According to the Australian healthcare site Healthdirect, Signs of low self-esteem include:

• saying negative things and being critical about yourself.
• joking about yourself in a negative way.
• focusing on your negatives and ignoring your achievements.
• blaming yourself when things go wrong.
• thinking other people are better than you.
• thinking you don't deserve to have fun.

”Your value doesn’t decrease based on someone’s inability to see your worth.” Unknown

Building Self-Esteem

The Website skillsyouneed.com offers seven skills to build self-esteem.

1. Identify and Challenge Your Negative Beliefs. ...
2. Identify the Positive About Yourself. ...
3. Build Positive Relationships—and Avoid Negative Ones. ...
4. Give Yourself a Break. ...
5. Become More Assertive and Learn to Say No. ...
6. Improve Your Physical Health. ...
7. Take On Challenges.

Stephane Jade Wong came up with a list of 13 things that don't determine self worth in an article she wrote for Shine. "Bottom line: Your worth is entirely up to you. You are worthy because you say you're worthy and because you believe it. Look within, and trust that you are enough."

In an article for Psychology Today, Amy Morin, L.C.S.W., a psychotherapist, explains, "So often, the “stick” we’re using to measure our worth exists outside our control. We measure our worth based on the X’s on our to-do list, the number of matches on a dating app, the likes on our latest Instagram post, the promotions we receive—the list goes on and on. We tend to notice how our sense of self-worth affects us (aka those “I’m not good enough” feelings), but we rarely stop and think about how we’re doing our calculations."

It seems low self-esteem is a learned behavior, and learned behaviors can be changed.

#Transitioning - A Fool's Confession

Signs  - It's Not Going Well

You always excluded me from certain things, keeping me at arms length. Maybe I wanted more than you were willing to give. I should have seen it. I should have known what was going to happen.

You did what was best for you. In the end, it wasn't all you. I hurt myself.

I learned a lot about myself and about balance in relationships. I became aware of a self destructive pattern. I changed my expectations, and in so doing, started to view myself positively. I'm glad for that, and how it helped me grow and mature. 

In a strange way,you helped me grow. I became me.

A Fool no More

A healthy relationship is when two people develop a connection based on:

• Mutual respect.
• Trust.
• Honesty.
• Support.
• Fairness/equality.
• Separate identities.
• Good communication.
• A sense of playfulness/fondness.

Checklist